Exhaustion

Exhaustion is the worst thing that can happen to you when you are a single mother. Since my son was born I neither slept through the night or more than 6 hours in a row, nor did I have one single day to myself. I have always been on his side and that won’t change for a long long time. Exhaustion builds itself up when you barely find some time to yourself. You feel more aggressive, annoyed, less happy and every single little thing drives you nuts. I don’t think I can count the times I have thought how nice it would be without a kid right now and where is next place I can drop him off and get rid off him.

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I fight against exhaustion every day. I am not a coffee drinker which makes it worse. I only drink tee on occasion and that doesn’t keep you going. Once in a while I get myself an energy vitamin water because I don’t like energy drinks either. I know that there are a lot of others things I could do to feel more energetic, like eating regularly and healthy, or exercising. Everything seems so simple explained by others. Yet, do I neither find the time nor energy to actually take those advices and put them in action. I do cook on a daily base, but only simple foods that are healthy and easy to prepare. However, finding the time to actually eat regularly seems impossible as a single mother. Either my kid is always on my nerves and requires my full attention while I try to eat, or he just eats my food and I barely get anything. Exercising is something I have never done before and will never start doing. I think I visited a gym twice in my entire life. I go outside with my child almost daily and that’s already enough for me, still it is not real exercising.

What is also exhausting? Having thousands of thoughts on your mind and not having anyone to talk too. My family lives far far away and I don’t really have the time or the energy to hang out with other people on a regular base. I think starting this blog made me realize I actually can do something for myself and if its only writing. It has nothing to do with my child or work and it is something I am doing for myself. You just have to find the little things that make you happy and happiness eliminates exhaustion just as well as eating regularly, exercising, or coffee.

Single Motherhood and the Price you Pay

As a single mother you quickly learn that life isn’t a fairy tale. There is no prince charming to come rescue you on his white horse and you live happily every after. Life as a single mother is very different in contrast to two parent homes and it happens more often than we think. The divorce rate is growing, many people decide to be single mothers, or like it was in my case, motherhood came unexpected. The chance that someone will be a single mother at some point in their life is pretty high and it comes with many ups and downs.

As a single parent you not only struggle with finances, how you will manage on your own and how to take responsibility for another human being. You will also struggle how others will see you, especially society in general. Society sees single mothers as stupid for becoming pregnant in the first place. And their children are seen as less fortune. Men are less likely to blame for an unexpected pregnancy and they aren’t even blamed when they leave the mothers. Even if you had a man before, or you were married, once your relationship is over you are still a single mom who for whatever reason gets looked down at. Like it’s all your fault. Society isn’t very fair to single moms and that’s not fair to us because we are the ones that have to be mom, dad, housekeeper, friend, good cop, bad cop, and the person who also has to make sure there is food on the table.

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And it’s not just society, friends will think of you different too. You can’t really keep your party life going once you are a mom. You become less available and you are less around others. Suddenly it seems like people don’t even want to hang out with you because you barely find time to do so. Even on days you plan on hanging out with friends your child is either sick, you can’t find a sitter, or you are simply too tired to go anywhere except to bed. Even trying to make new friends as a single mom who has no free time is impossible. So, friendships change too and you have a lot less of them. But the friends that stay, you will have for a life time. Also, it is hard to fit in anywhere. You don’t fit in with your friends who don’t have kids, you don’t fit in with your friends who have kids, and you don’t even fit in with other single mothers if they have the dad involved in their child’s life.

Not only does everyone around you seem different, but you will change too. You will have a lot more stress because lets face it you are responsible for absolutely everything. You will have to do the dishes, cook, take out the trash, feed and dress the baby, pretend to be fireman Sam and rescue a non existing cat from a non existing tree with a stick that’s suppose to be a ladder. You are housekeeper, friend, mom and dad at the same time. It’s not very hard to somehow lose your mind in between all of this. You won’t remember where you put your keys, where you left your phone (thank god for “find iphone”), what you had last to eat and if you even ate today. And when was the last time you took a shower or brushed your teeth? Your brain will turn into mush after some time of being a single parent. It will drive you nuts and you are just not the same anymore. Not only will you lose your minds, but your body won’t be the same anymore either. You can’t enjoy days off on the weekend, Christmas, New Years, or any other holiday. You will be happy if you managed to put on some jeans once in a while. Your are constantly tired, exhausted and on the days you managed to put your child down before 9pm you can’t fall asleep because your body got used to not sleeping. Your body and your mind will change in away you never thought before.

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But all this can’t compare to the greatest cost of being a single parent, and that is giving ypur heart away and getting loved by your child. The love and bond you will share with your child as a single mom is more intense than anything you have ever felt. Even if you have moments in your day when you will ask yourself: What have I done? Why is this person still here? How can I just get rid of it? And there even will be moment when you wish you would have made other decisions. Those moments don’t compare to the moments when you see your child smile for the first time. When you will feel proud of yourself when he says his first word, rolls over, crawls or walks for the first time. You will feel proud when your child actually says please and thank you once in a while because you know you must be doing something right. And you will feel proud of yourself because you are doing everything on your own. Who cares what society things of you, society is lost anyways. Who cares how many friends you have, no one keeps a score. And who cares if you seem crazy once in a while because there are a lot more other crazy people out their that aren’t even single parents. Nothing can compare to the moment when you see your child in joy and happiness and in that one moment nothing else matters except you and your child.